Why did I become this?
I'm sorry that I never comment on others' blogs these days. I really don't feel like I have anything to add. I .... have very few emotional resources.

I guess I'll be finished with this program in a year and I can move out of my parents' house and not feel so... failureish for THAT reason, at least. I'm not married, I'm not pretty, I'm not giving them grandchildren.

It's more than a shame... I have some huge talents, and huge motivation. There is a lot that I can contribute... but while I'm struggling to stay alive... not so much.

I can keep myself alive, but I've GOT to get eating under control. I have had 2 boosts today, which is kind of amazing. There is too much pressure from everywhere in my life. I can't deal, I think. It's paralyzing. I've managed to keep going recently, but I don't take any pleasure in anything anymore. Not even the daily show has made me happy in the past couple of weeks. THAT's really bad!

I guess I should think of this as a hard year that I have to slog through and work like hell, and, yeah, maybe there'll be a lot of unavoidable misery, but at the end I'll be... like, a real person again. Maybe on the road to making something of my life.

I feel like I'm just a horrible failure... and wonder how this happened. I guess it helps to think that this is temporary. If I work hard, I will be somewhere else in a year. It's not "I'm a failure forever." It's "I messed things up, and am having a difficult year starting to put things together."

This nursing program is really stressful. Financially OH MY GOD. With all of the drug tests and physicals and stuff not to mention the predicted costs. Also, they yell at us and treat us like elementary school kids. A couple of weeks ago, I got a not saying that I had to have this medical thing done by April something. Okay, fine. Thinking I had more time, I spend my extra money at the time on another required piece of equipment that I hadn't been able to buy yet. Then, damnit, I got a note that said I had to have it done in three days. It was impossible, as my blood has to be sent to a faraway lab. So... they changed the rules in the middle of the game, and screwed up my budget, and also yelled at me for not having it done on time, and for a week I thought they might kick me out for not having it in by their surprise deadline.

I feel like I haven't done anything right in this program... I hate that. Work, and right now this school is full time and so sort of my work... it's very important to me. It is SUCH a downer to think that I may get yelled at any minute. And it would be one thing if it were just yelling. I was a gymnast, I can deal with being yelled at :-). It's that they do kick a number of people out, and I never know if their "You totally suck and we hate you" is just that or if it's soon to be followed by their kicking me out.

Fewer than half of the people generally finish the program. I cannot miss one day, and I can't go into a clinical setting sick. When have I EVER gone nine months without getting sick? Never. So I'm scared. If I miss a day, I'm out.

Damn, there is just too much stress. Too much that I must do that .... Well, I CAN do it because I MUST. End of story!